General Weh T. Marquette, commander of the coronavirus military’s western operations, is desperately calling for further reinforcements to bolster the disease’s presence in the United States.
“After occupying nearly 1.4 million hosts in less than two months, our forces in America are already stretched to their absolute limit,” the high-ranking officer said in an intercepted memo to superiors in Wuhan. “But the American President Donald Trump is hell-bent mobilizing the country’s other 327 million citizens as soon as possible. This is a situation for which we are woefully unprepared.”
The general’s plea comes weeks after the United States became the epicenter of the pandemic. An astounding one-third of the world’s confirmed COVID-19 cases have come from within from the superpower’s borders.
“Combatants in our home country of China graciously lead our forces to a swift but merciful defeat, allowing our viral soldiers to widely infect, reproduce, and live their parasitic lives to the fullest before eventually killing their hosts within a reasonable time frame. China did not overwhelm coronavirus forces with an abundance of hosts. Nor did Italy, Germany, Spain or other previous epicenters.”
Marquette added a recommendation that COVID-19 forces on all other fronts be pulled and redeployed in the U.S., should the country indeed reopen.
“If we do not refocus all our efforts in the U.S., the progress we’ve made in North America will have been for naught. Our best chance at forever impacting humanity—by terminating as many people as possible—is to aggressively attack a prematurely reopened country. Viva la COVID!”