These Are Apparently the Ten Funniest Jokes Ever, According to Science

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On a noble quest to determine what the funniest jokes ever told are, researchers at the University of Oxford told 65 jokes to a sample of undergrads at the university and asked them to rate the jokes from not funny at all to absolute knee-slappers.

Before we go any further, I know what you’re thinking. How can this little experiment cut through all cultural bias, differences in personalities and humor types, and accurately determine what the funniest jokes ever told are?

Well, it can’t. That’s why you need to take this “study” with a grain of salt.

Anyway, the ten jokes that received the highest votes were officially crowned the “funniest jokes in the world.” But are they actually funny? As someone with a sense of humor, I’m going to have to go ahead and say no. These jokes are painful and I’m glad I didn’t go to the University of Oxford. Reading through them, I was just like:

But hey, everyone is different and hopefully at least someone out there finds them funny.

See the excruciatingly unfunny jokes for yourself below, as told by Comedy Central UK.

1. A guy meets a sex worker in a bar. She says, “This is your lucky night. I’ve got a special game for you. I’ll do absolutely anything you want for $300 as long as you can say it in three words.” The guy replies, “Hey, why not?’” He pulls his wallet out of his pocket and lays $300 on the bar, and says slowly. “Paint…my….house.”

2. Two campers are walking through the woods when a huge brown bear suddenly appears in the clearing about 50 feet in front of them. The bear sees the campers and begins to head toward them. The first guy drops his backpack, digs out a pair of sneakers, and frantically begins to put them on. The second guy says, “What are you doing? Sneakers won’t help you outrun that bear.””I don’t need to outrun the bear,” the first guy says. “I just need to outrun you.”

3. China has a population of a billion people. One billion. That means even if you’re a one in a million kind of guy, there are still a thousand others exactly like you.

I need to pop back in here before we proceed any further just to say how are these funny? Are those undergrads who voted on these okay?

4. A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer: “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it you.” The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves. “What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!” Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?” The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!”

5. A guy dies and is sent to hell. Satan meets him, shows him doors to three rooms, and says he must choose one to spend eternity in. In the first room, people are standing in dirt up to their necks. The guy says, “No, let me see the next room.” In the second room, people are standing in dirt up to their noses. Guy says no again. Finally Satan opens the third room. People are standing with dirt up to their knees, drinking coffee and eating pastries. The guy says, “I pick this room.” Satan says OK, and starts to leave, and the guy wades in and starts pouring some coffee. On the way out Satan yells, “OK, coffee break’s over. Everyone back on your heads!”

6. Sid and Irv are business partners. They make a deal that whichever one dies first will contact the living one from the afterlife. So Irv dies. Sid doesn’t hear from him for about a year, figures there is no afterlife. Then one day he gets a call. It’s Irv. “So there is an afterlife! What’s it like?” Sid asks. “Well, I sleep very late. I get up, have a big breakfast. Then I have sex, lots of sex. Then I go back to sleep, but I get up for lunch, have a big lunch. Have some more sex, take a nap. Huge dinner. More sex. Go to sleep and wake up the next day.” “Oh, my God,” says Sid. “So that’s what heaven is like?” “Oh no,” says Irv. “I’m not in heaven. I’m a bear in Yellowstone Park.”

7. A guy shows up late for work. The boss yells, “You should’ve been here at 8:30!” He replies. “Why? What happened at 8.30?”

8. It’s the World Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right next to the pitch. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbour if someone will be sitting there. “No,” says the neighbour. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Final and not use it?” The neighbour says, “Well actually the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first World Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. but couldn’t you find someone else, a friend, relative or even a neighbour to take her seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”

9. Three guys stranded on a desert island find a magic lantern containing a genie, who grants them each one wish. The first guy wishes he was off the island and back home. The second guy wishes the same. The third guy says: “I’m lonely. I wish my friends were back here.”

10. A guy is sitting at home when he hears a knock at the door. He opens the door and sees a snail on the porch. He picks up the snail and throws it as far as he can. Three years later there’s a knock on the door. He opens it and sees the same snail. The snail says: “What the hell was that all about?”

Wow. Those were unbearable. I have nothing else to say.

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